Loneliness.

It’s a bitch.

It slithers its way into your soul like a virgin cruisers slide into the buffet bar on a cruise ship

It sucks at your confidence and makes you feel ugly, unloved.

Forgotten.

I just finished ‘Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine’, a book by Gail Honeyman.

Complex, engaging, challenging, disturbing.

A journey into one women’s life.

A journey I could relate too.

Somewhere we have all been no doubt.

For me, recently, recognisable by an escalation of talking to inanimate objects.

More recognizable by my desire to count the steps between the pavement cracks. Without regard to how crazy I looked, hopping, skipping, jumping. Just like Eleanor who didn’t care how she looked to the world as long as she kept her environment completely controlled.

For me, those are the times when I recognise I am in trouble and I’ve gone to ‘ground’.

Eleanor lived such a tragic childhood that to survive she had to box and categorise her emotions, keeping herself safe. So she couldn’t feel. It made her stand out so differently from the norm, that she was left alone and lonely.

Eleanor Oliphant chose to be alone.

I have two friends, fifty something, both having just stepped out of long term relationships.

Their choice.

Loneliness they say, is a different kettle of fish to being alone. And they both discovered that loneliness can strike, even in a relationship.

Alone is often a choice we make.

Whether consciously or not.

Being alone can be quite pleasant.

It can regenerate your soul, make you look inward, make you grateful and kind to yourself.

Loneliness on the other hand, can tear you apart, making you question your very reason for existing. And for these two, strong independent women it’s something they say they need to monitor. When you spend a whole weekend not talking to another soul, or if you are sick and no one checks up on you, loneliness can creep in.

Eleanor Oliphant’s physical ailments were connected to her loneliness and were making her sick. A random act of kindness set off a snowball effect for Eleanor forcing her into relationships.

A *study last year by the Australian Psychological Society (APS) and Swinburne University of Technology, (one of the most comprehensive studies of this kind to date), revealed that loneliness is strongly connected to poorer quality of life, lower psychological wellbeing, higher social discomfort and poorer quality social networks. People with higher loneliness levels report more physical health symptoms, including sleeping difficulties, headaches, stomach complaints, nausea, colds and infections. Loneliness also lowers the level of psychological health, with sufferers reporting higher levels of depression, anxiety, social difficulties and loss of confidence.

I have no doubt there are many people out there who feel just like that.

And we, as individuals can actually do something about it.

Technology today, they say has made us become more social. I think it can be quite the reverse.

From our drive in garages, where we don’t see our neighbours, to our constant heads down on our smart phones, we simply aren’t living in real time.

We are so busy engaging in social media (quite often with people we don’t know that well), that we forget to reach out to those who we do know.

More often than not, people are surrounded by friends. But if these friendships do not meet a person’s needs, such as feeling connected, then they will still feel lonely.

Focus on the relationships you already have. Quality is more important than quantity. Strengthening existing relationships is important.

Use that same technology to send a simple message of hello or how are you doing? Or if you know they aren’t well ‘are you ok, do you need anything’. A simple way to say, hey, you aren’t alone. I’m thinking about you.

Whether it’s a parent, a sibling, a friend or a neighbour. Reach out. Whatever is going on with them may seem simple to you.

It may not be simple in their head.

And it may make a significant difference.

It may just pull them out of the ground.

I highly recommend this book.

It makes you think.

*http://www.swinburne.edu.au/news/latest-news/2018/11/new-australian-research-reveals-health-toll-of-increasing-loneliness.php